New Trousers

Went to a stag night last night and we were all there till about 2.00am except Eric who left quite early. When he got up to go I said to him "Oye Eric, why you going so early?",
"Well" he replied "My Dad always told me that if I'm not in by 11.00pm I might as well go home"
I ended up rolling in around 3.00am and the wife wasn't at all happy with me because I told her it wasn't the new trousers that made her look big it was her fat arse.

"Uh-ha, it's all good baby bay-bee, uh"

The mirror shop

I went into this antique mirror shop today and said to this very fat bald man "Excuse me , I want to buy a mirror"

Then a voice from directly behind me said "I'm behind you sir"

On the way home I was driving down the A3 towards Guildford and a man's car had broken down. I stopped and asked him if I could help. He said "Could you give me a lift?", so I replied "You have a very nice manner, your quite good looking and you will never go bald".

"Uh-ha, it's all good baby bay-bee, uh"

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Hawaii

Eric and his brother are in Hawaii at the moment on holiday (lucky b*stards). When he said to me last week "Hugh I'm going to Hawaii for a holiday", I said "Wow great, Honolulu?",
"No", he replied "Ona surfboard". (boom, boom).
Anyway I got a postcard from him today, although it's pretty difficult to read as it's in rhyming slang. Here's what he wrote, maybe someone call help me dechipher it:
"We could feel the Coronation Street as soon as we got off the Don McLean, it was really Randolph Scott for my liking. We went out last night and met these Brussel Sprouts. I reckon they were a bit Clark Kent myself as they kept buying us Leon Spinks and said "get these down yer Gregory Pecks". Then they started making fun of our accents and we kept pretty Emmerdale Farm about it at first but then it got a bit Screaming Lord Such so we nailed their Uncle Neds to the bar stools, I thought to myself that'll Stephanie Beecham to do that again.
On the way back to the Ben Stiller we lost the Francis Lee to the Bobby Moore and ended up kipping on the Stacey Keach. What made it worse was that I got some massive Pointer Sisters on my plates of meat so I had to take my Gloria Gaynors off and then I got Ray Miland in between me Marilyn Monroes, a real pain in the rear to be honest with ya. I caught a bit too much Current Bun today and my German Bands and Scotch Pegs have got quite Burnt. Anyway I've decided to give the aftersun a miss and scream".


"Uh-ha, it's all good baby bay-bee, uh"

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